Silence: I Had Nothing Good to Say

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Long time no see, eh? Over 4 months of no new content, which means I'm 4-5 blog posts in debt, LOL. Truth be told, many things happened, but I wasn't feeling particularly good about them.

Let's first address the biggest elephant in the room. Yes, the website looks different... again. This time though, I hope it will stay like this. Honestly, I find it so hilarious how many times I switched providers, themes, CMSs, and such. I have this software bug in my brain where if something isn't perfect (especially software), then I don't wanna use it. Don't get me wrong, I admire the simplicity of SSGs (Static Site Generators), but the UX (user experience) introduced a lot of friction for me to write new content. I just want a simple yet extensive online interface where I can both write and publish my thoughts without having to leave the tool.

Before I switched to Grav (the site you are seeing right now), I was using Zola. Zola is essentially the same as HUGO but written in Rust, so it's automatically better. I remember trying to add some custom regex thingy that would add an automatically generated "mailto" link at the bottom of each post with the post title. So if you clicked it, it would send you to your default email client with a premade subject like "Re: Sleep". The documentation was quite ass at the time (and I wouldn't be surprised if it still was), so I just used AI, and it worked out fine.

When I started blogging, I was using Ghost, and I probably would be using it to this day if there wasn't one teeny tiny imperfection. As of writing this post, there still is no media manager. That means when you upload any image to your page, it gets saved on the server.

Even if you later delete that image from the post. The image file stays on the server side until you SSH into the server and manually delete it. There is also no way of knowing which images are used by pages and which are not, so you have to either remember that or use some system where you gonna name your image files like "VacationPost2025-PXL2026" to remember which images are/were meant to belong to what post. Sure, there is this community-made script that does this work for you somehow, but that means you are not dependent on some third party to maintain that script for future Ghost versions.

Anyway, enough yapping about why my ADHD ass changed and reconfigured something for the millionth time. Time for the meat and potatoes 😋.

Like I said, many things happened in the last 3-4 months. Both good and bad. You might recall my silent cry for help in this post where I talked about my meds-induced anhedonia. Guess what? I finally got the energy/will to start looking for a new psychiatrist. Sending out the emails was a task that took me like 15 minutes at most, and now I hate myself for delaying it for so long. But hey, I have to remind myself that I literally have a disability that makes these things harder. I'm not saying this as some learned helplessness cope, BTW. I don't need anyone, including myself, to pity me. I'm saying that I still am way harder on myself than I deserve to be. Self-love is so hard, isn't it?

Like the title says, I had nothing good (read positive) to say to my readers (aside from the ones I message personally, of course). But despite still not being on a better medication, I'm starting to finally feel better and "at the wheel" enough to start writing again and to put my life back in order.

You see, at around January of this year, I discovered something important about myself. On one hand, I'm glad I finally know the reason why I felt so horrible last winter and wanted to apply a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Well, saying the problem is temporary is not accurate, but you will have to suffice with my vagueness for now. The thing is a very... fundamental one, and it feels like I unwillingly detonated a hand grenade in my life by discovering it. But that's enough hints for now. I already said more than I'm comfortable with.

So, what now?

No promises, but I would love to fill in those post gaps ASAP to not break my New Year's promise of writing at least one blog post per month. I have a lot to write about now. Be that my finished Linux certification, my dating life, my work life, my new hobbies, interesting people I've met, and so on.

Thank you for your attention, and I wish you a happy start of this week.

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