Merry Quinn

Default superpowers

A prescription note for Atomoxetine

This post is a continuation of this one where I talked about what my first psychiatric appointment was like. I highly recommend reading it first before you dive into this one because it contains a lot of context.

Day 1

My first day on Atomoxetine was... definitely something. The memory of this day got permanently engraved into my skull. I took my first dose at around 7:20 after breakfast. Then I rushed to the bus stop, late, as usual. It was still dark outside, with only the streetlights illuminating the road and the bus stop. It was also snowing heavily that morning, and I remember the pavement being quite icy. At the bus stop, I was feeling stressed and anxious about the fact I'm late again this week. My heart was beating faster than usual, but I didn't think much of it and kept overthinking how my manager might be disappointed (he literally said before that he doesn't care about me coming in a couple of minutes late, but my angsty brain wasn't having it).

I was watching the snowfall with my typical zoned-out blank stare. And then... something clicked. The moment felt like I turned on Franklin's special ability from GTA V. My heart kept racing, and the time suddenly slowed down. I noticed the snow falling in layers instead of millions of tiny particles at once. Suddenly, all stress and anxiety got flushed out of my system. Still, I didn't think much of it and got on the bus like nothing happened. I arrived at the office, took my coat off, sat at my desk, booted up the computer, and started working. Outrageous, I know, but if you knew me, you'd realize that this isn't normal for me. Typically, I'd sit down at my desk, log in, open my usual apps and websites, and then zone out for at least half an hour.

Whatever, maybe I just had a good day. After finishing doing invoices, I got a text message from my boss asking me to pick up some packages for him. I got up, put my coat on, locked the computer, locked the office, and headed downstairs to the lobby. At that moment I realized something wasn't quite right. Once again, this wasn't my typical behavior. Virtually never did I do something this quickly and effortlessly. Where was the internal friction, the pleading, the resistance? That was when I realized what was happening. The medication worked.

Despite having barely any work that day, it became one of my most productive days. I did everything so quickly and with such ease, I thought I was dreaming or accidentally enabled some cheat code.

Grief

The first day on Atomoxetine felt spectacular, but it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Shortly after picking up the packages for my boss, I was struck with an enormous wave of grief. I was lucky enough to be alone in the office that day and to have no more tasks to do. It is a bit ironic because Atomoxetine softened the mental blow tremendously. Had it been any other day, I would have completely collapsed into myself. I thought to myself:

Are you telling me that everybody else felt like this from the beginning? Are you fucking shitting me?

All the years of wasted time. All the years of energy spent on just surviving. All the struggle in school. All the delayed milestones. All the missed opportunities I’ll never get back!

In that moment of this cruel realization, I was flooded with grief, anger, and dread. It was quite the uncomfortable 30 minutes.

The edge softened relatively quickly, but I kept processing this for the next few days. Fast-forwarding to today, I'm almost over this, but it still occasionally pops up in my mind. This wound will take more than a few weeks to heal, and the scar may never fully fade.

Overworking

What followed was a burning feeling of:

Right. I’m fixed now. Time to catch up.

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself, "No. Stop. Don't listen to that feeling. It will only make things worse." That feeling hasn’t fully left me: I must catch up. I must prove myself.

Intellectually, I understand how incredibly unhealthy this is, but try explaining that to my younger, hurt self. I can't turn back time, and while there are some things I genuinely missed, many of them I can still achieve later. The internet will happily convince you you’re behind. Most people aren't doing better than you. There is no universal timeline. It is you and only you against you. Always.

Side effects

I experienced the following side effects of Atomoxetine:

Many of these faded within the first week, and some even within the first 24 hours. The only significant ones for me were the ones related to sexual function. I really wish my psychiatrist or pharmacist had warned me about this. I genuinely thought I traded inner peace and cognitive function for celibacy. Fortunately, these side effects are rarely permanent, which was the case for me. In the absolute worst-case scenario, stopping the medication usually reverses these effects over time (though there are always edge cases).

I slowly regained all normal function within two weeks. Actually, I even noticed a slight improvement because now I can better focus on the goal, and my mind doesn't keep drifting.

Final words

Without a shadow of a doubt, going to the psychiatrist was the best decision I've made in my life (at least for now). I feel calmer. The background noise disappeared. I can finally focus on ONE thing at a time. I can learn much, much easier now. I can retain information better. I can recall things I've done.

Atomoxetine didn’t fix me.

It removed the friction that kept me from fixing myself.

Music I enjoyed recently

Reply via email