Merry Quinn

Spent fuel

Quinn — Fri, 13 Mar 2026 20:00:00 +0000

I feel like a spent fuel rod from a nuclear reactor. Still technically full of energy, but unstable, overheating, and slowly running out of stamina and sanity.

Ever since Atomoxetine stabilised my brain chemistry, I can just do shit now. It’s still such a surreal feeling, and I’m feeling a bit jet-lagged from it. I’m capable of doing things I wouldn’t even imagine doing last summer. Everything is generally easier now, but also not really. The biggest positive change I noticed is that I can push through boredom, repetitive tasks, and fear or embarrassment.

The main issue is that my brain simply hasn’t caught up with the change. A change so significant and structural that I don’t even blame it.

It feels like I’ve been split into two polar-opposite versions of myself. One of them keeps saying, “Woah, take it easy there. We can’t handle this, remember?” and the other one is like, “Right, we can do anything, we always could. Now get to work.” Everything feels overwhelming. And somehow still not enough. I keep bracing myself for impact, which never comes because I now have the capacity to handle almost anything. Yet when I do the things I promised I’d do, something very loud and mean appears from the depths of my mind and starts scolding me about how I’m not doing enough.

When I hit a goal -> good, but not enough.</li>
Surpass the goal -> cool, but you forgot XYZ. No celebration.</li> </ul>
It is essentially the same problem I described in one of my previous blog posts about perfectionism</a>. Some part of me keeps shifting the goalposts before I can even reach them.
I understand why this is happening, but that doesn’t make it feel any better. The usual suspects are still the same:

Nobody was ever proud of me when I was a child. Therefore, I’m trying to win approval or an imaginary authority which won’t ever be satisfied, regardless of what I do.</li>
I have no track record of success. That shattered my self-confidence when it mattered the most. During my formative years.</li>
My brain keeps an almost unlimited ledger of failures.</li> </ol>
Combine all three of these, and you’ll get a nasty potion I like to call “Fuck you 🙂”.
Things feel more or less the same, but this time I’m finally moving forward. Even just a year ago, I felt like for every step forward, I did 3 steps back.
Medication removed the ball and chain from my legs, but now I have to take care of the bruising and swelling around my ankles, or I’ll keep moving like it’s still there.

Music I enjoyed recently</h3>

Краснодарский край</a> by Dan Korshunov</li>
SMS</a> by UncleFlexxx</li>
I Can't See</a> by eternityz, EXODIA, deity</li>
Boomstick</a> by dutch dj project</li>
In the House</a> by dutch dj project</li>
Just Us Now</a> by Mzade</li>
Zittern im Bein (Scheppertus Remix) (feat. Gilo a Rooky030)</a> by Scheppertus</li>
Tears, pain and blood</a> by IC3PEAK</li> </ul>
Reply via email</a> </blockquote>

Default superpowers

Quinn — Sun, 15 Feb 2026 22:22:00 +0000

This post is a continuation of this one</a> where I talked about what my first psychiatric appointment was like. I highly recommend reading it first before you dive into this one because it contains a lot of context.
Day 1</h2>
My first day on Atomoxetine was... definitely something. The memory of this day got permanently engraved into my skull. I took my first dose at around 7:20 after breakfast. Then I rushed to the bus stop, late, as usual. It was still dark outside, with only the streetlights illuminating the road and the bus stop. It was also snowing heavily that morning, and I remember the pavement being quite icy. At the bus stop, I was feeling stressed and anxious about the fact I'm late again this week. My heart was beating faster than usual, but I didn't think much of it and kept overthinking how my manager might be disappointed (he literally said before that he doesn't care about me coming in a couple of minutes late, but my angsty brain wasn't having it).
I was watching the snowfall with my typical zoned-out blank stare. And then... something clicked. The moment felt like I turned on Franklin's special ability from GTA V. My heart kept racing, and the time suddenly slowed down. I noticed the snow falling in layers instead of millions of tiny particles at once. Suddenly, all stress and anxiety got flushed out of my system. Still, I didn't think much of it and got on the bus like nothing happened. I arrived at the office, took my coat off, sat at my desk, booted up the computer, and started working. Outrageous, I know, but if you knew me, you'd realize that this isn't normal for me. Typically, I'd sit down at my desk, log in, open my usual apps and websites, and then zone out for at least half an hour.
Whatever, maybe I just had a good day. After finishing doing invoices, I got a text message from my boss asking me to pick up some packages for him. I got up, put my coat on, locked the computer, locked the office, and headed downstairs to the lobby. At that moment I realized something wasn't quite right. Once again, this wasn't my typical behavior. Virtually never did I do something this quickly and effortlessly. Where was the internal friction, the pleading, the resistance? That was when I realized what was happening. The medication worked.
Despite having barely any work that day, it became one of my most productive days. I did everything so quickly and with such ease, I thought I was dreaming or accidentally enabled some cheat code.
Grief</h2>
The first day on Atomoxetine felt spectacular, but it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Shortly after picking up the packages for my boss, I was struck with an enormous wave of grief. I was lucky enough to be alone in the office that day and to have no more tasks to do. It is a bit ironic because Atomoxetine softened the mental blow tremendously. Had it been any other day, I would have completely collapsed into myself. I thought to myself:

Are you telling me that everybody else felt like this from the beginning? Are you fucking shitting me? </blockquote>
All the years of wasted time. All the years of energy spent on just surviving. All the struggle in school. All the delayed milestones. All the missed opportunities I’ll never get back!
In that moment of this cruel realization, I was flooded with grief, anger, and dread. It was quite the uncomfortable 30 minutes.
The edge softened relatively quickly, but I kept processing this for the next few days. Fast-forwarding to today, I'm almost over this, but it still occasionally pops up in my mind. This wound will take more than a few weeks to heal, and the scar may never fully fade.
Overworking</h2>
What followed was a burning feeling of:

Right. I’m fixed now. Time to catch up. </blockquote>
I wish I could go back in time and tell myself, "No. Stop. Don't listen to that feeling. It will only make things worse." That feeling hasn’t fully left me: I must catch up. I must prove myself.
Intellectually, I understand how incredibly unhealthy this is, but try explaining that to my younger, hurt self. I can't turn back time, and while there are some things I genuinely missed, many of them I can still achieve later. The internet will happily convince you you’re behind. Most people aren't doing better than you. There is no universal timeline. It is you and only you against you. Always.
Side effects</h2>
I experienced the following side effects of Atomoxetine:

Rapid blinking</li>
Dry mouth</li>
Mild nausea</li>
Loss of appetite</li>
Frequent urination</li>
Constipation</li>
Tanked libido</li>
Loss of "morning wood"</li>
Weak orgasms</li>
Emotional numbness, inability to feel either joy or sadness.</li> </ul>
Many of these faded within the first week, and some even within the first 24 hours. The only significant ones for me were the ones related to sexual function. I really wish my psychiatrist or pharmacist had warned me about this. I genuinely thought I traded inner peace and cognitive function for celibacy. Fortunately, these side effects are rarely permanent, which was the case for me. In the absolute worst-case scenario, stopping the medication usually reverses these effects over time (though there are always edge cases).
I slowly regained all normal function within two weeks. Actually, I even noticed a slight improvement because now I can better focus on the goal, and my mind doesn't keep drifting.
Final words</h2>
Without a shadow of a doubt, going to the psychiatrist was the best decision I've made in my life (at least for now). I feel calmer. The background noise disappeared. I can finally focus on ONE thing at a time. I can learn much, much easier now. I can retain information better. I can recall things I've done.
Atomoxetine didn’t fix me.
It removed the friction that kept me from fixing myself.

Music I enjoyed recently</h3>

rebel</a> by overrated

Absolutely insane remix of Nico and the Niners</a> by twenty one pilots</li> </ul> </li>
4 BY 4 BEATS (I Don't Care)</a> by Coone</li>
Wonderful Days</a> by GAZZ</li>
My Ordinary Life</a> by The Living Tombstone</li>
Selfish (feat. Faye)</a> by AGONY, 4GET</li>
Encore Une Fois (Future Breeze Mix)</a> by Sash!</li> </ul>
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My First Psychiatric Appointment

Quinn — Sun, 01 Feb 2026 18:46:00 +0000

As I promised in my article about sleep</a>, today I will be talking more about my ADHD.
Prologue</h1>
I'll start with a little bit of backstory. The first time I started really thinking there might be something genuinely wrong with me was the day I graduated high school. I have no fucking idea how I pulled that one off, but somehow, I picked all the questions and topics I knew pretty well. I'll write about how I (almost didn't) graduate in a separate post also because I believe this could be pretty interesting to some of you.
So, I finished all the presentations, oral exams, quizzes, and whatnot. I passed, with decent grades even. I went home, and my parents went out to eat or something. Not entirely sure, but I remember them not being home at the time. My dad probably just dropped me off at home, and Mom was still at work.
I went into my bedroom, took off my blazer, threw it on my bed, and lay on the floor. A message from my classmate (and a dear friend at the time) popped up on my phone saying something like "We did it bro!". I replied with a simple "GG". Then I placed the phone next to me, and I zoned out for at least an hour. At the time, there wasn't a point in my life where I’d hit that kind of exhaustion.
What happened next was 2 months of pure void. My parents granted me that last summer break after high school. I didn't have to worry about anything but finding a job. Most days of those 2 months were spent like this:

Wake up</li>
Have a quick, forced wank</li>
Doomscroll Instagram for an hour</li>
Eat something</li>
Boot up PC</li>
Play Astroneer while watching Dexter</li>
Eat lunch</li>
Brush my teeth (if I felt fancy)</li>
Play Hitman 2 while watching BrBa</li>
Eat dinner</li>
Brush my teeth</li>
Play Veloren with my online friend while watching YouTube</li>
Kill PC</li>
Quick doomscroll sesh on Instagram</li>
Goodnight wank</li>
Go to bed at an ungodly hour (optional)</li> </ul>
That's it. Nothing else apart from the occasional going outside with my parents. The days blurred together. I had no healthy routine or regimen, I lost all sense of time and self, I was just dopamine maxxing.
Clarity</h1>
That was the first time I noticed something might not be right. The second time when everything clicked was shortly after I started my current job.
It was late November of 2024, and my favorite fitness influencer, Dr. Mike Israetel, released a video called My Battle With Crippling ADHD</a>. I used to watch him heavily during my "gym tryhard era" at his Renaissance Periodization</a> channel. I discovered his personal one sort of by accident, and the video about his ADHD was one of the first ones I watched.
After finishing that video, I cried. I cried a lot. I sobbed, and I wheezed.
I felt seen. I wasn’t alone anymore.
After that, another void period happened. I now knew what was wrong with me and what needed fixing, but I didn't act on it. My brain simply filed it under the "This matters, but we'll deal with it later" folder and went on to suffer another 10 months.
Talking to my General Practitioner</h1>
In late September of 2025, I had my regular yearly checkup with my GP. This was the time I finally had the vocabulary to say out loud

I'm not okay and I need help. </blockquote>
I described to her all my symptoms and how I felt. She didn't interrupt me, she didn't downplay anything I said. She simply replied with "While I cannot formally diagnose you, everything you’ve said makes sense and points towards ADHD. I’ll give you a referral. Contact this specialist, a lot of my younger patients like yourself rate her positively."
Referral in hand, I’d surely go to a psychiatrist next, right? Nope. I waited until December to book the appointment. The 19th of December was the day I finally picked up the phone and called her office. I got an appointment scheduled for the 28th of January, and now it was just a waiting game.
The appointment</h1>
I took the whole day off. I didn't really feel like going back to the office after I served my brain on a silver platter. To some stranger. Besides, I don't vibe with the idea of my employer knowing I'm visiting a psychiatrist in the first place.
The appointment was scheduled for 11 am, and despite having ample time to get ready, I still managed to leave the house late. Whatever, I managed to arrive on time. I sat down in the waiting room and waited for my name to be called.

Nurse: Mr. █████? </blockquote>
Yup, that's me. I got up and followed her into the intake room. The intake process was quite thorough. The nurse asked me about everything. Who's my GP, where and what I studied, where and in which field I work, if this is my first time seeing a psychiatrist, my allergies, and if I ever broke a bone (this one caught me off guard the most). With formalities out the way, she sent me back to the waiting room. About 2 minutes later I heard my name again

Dr.: Mr. █████, please come in. </blockquote>
I got up and thought to myself "Okay, this is it. Act natural". I was still a bit under the impression that I needed to both look composed and sick enough to be taken seriously. I was nervous as fuck.

Dr.: Good afternoon Mr. █████, my name is █████. What brings you in today? I see from your referral that you seem to struggle with attention, task initiation and completion, is that right? </blockquote>

Me: Yes, that's exactly it. I came here today to find out if I might have ADHD or anything else. </blockquote>
And the interrogation began. She asked me a few supplementary questions and built upon a few of the ones I answered with the nurse. She asked me about things like

Are you currently in any relationship?</li>
Do you have any friends, and if so, how many?</li>
How's your relationship with your mother?</li>
How's your relationship with your father?</li>
What's your sexual orientation?</li> </ul>
Some of them I expected. Some of them I didn’t. I answered them all honestly.
After that, she asked me to tell her more about why I think I have ADHD.

Me: Okay, do you want me to talk or would you prefer asking me questions? </blockquote>

Dr.: Talk about whatever is on your mind. </blockquote>
And talk I did. I told her everything I could remember. My story mainly revolved around my early struggles with learning at school. But I also touched on topics like social exclusion, difficulty making and maintaining friendships throughout my entire life. I talked about my inability to connect with people around me. I talked about the permanent sense of exhaustion. And the incredible cost of starting virtually any task.
I talked for about 30-40 minutes straight. After I finished, she looked at me and said something I would never expect a psychiatrist to say ever.

Dr.: Well, you self-diagnosed pretty well. You've developed a lot of coping mechanisms which kept you going, and I would highly advise you don't get rid of them. If you'd like, I can prescribe you some medication. </blockquote>

Me: I believe I've done everything in my power to stay above water. I'm open to medication. </blockquote>
And that was the end of the session. It was that "easy". I got a prescription for a 2 month supply of Atomoxetine, and went on my merry way.
I will do a follow-up post about the medication itself later. While I have already gotten to experience the effects of the medication. It would be unfair to judge it 4 days in. I plan to write the next post sometime between one and two weeks from now.

Music I enjoyed recently</h3>

Смерти Больше Нет</a> by IC3PEAK</li>
GHOSTTOWN</a> by Actek, Röhlix, E·F·N</li>
Black</a> by GAZIROVKA</li>
Медуза</a> by MATRANG</li>
Тает лёд</a> by Грибы</li>
На грани болевого порога</a> by Планка</li>
Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!!</a> by Vengaboys</li>
Подруга</a> by Пропаганда</li>
Попрошу тебя</a> by Вирус</li>
Мой мармеладный (Я не права)</a> by Катя Лель</li>
Мелом</a> by Пропаганда</li> </ul>
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My New Year's resolutions for 2026

Quinn — Thu, 01 Jan 2026 22:10:00 +0000

New Year's resolutions are such a weird thing, aren't they? I think the majority of people who set them are doing so purely out of guilt and not an actual desire to improve or change something about themselves. Personally, I never set them before, but I mainly attribute that to the fact that I have only gained control over my life at the turn of November to December of 2025.
The funniest thing about last year was that it seemed like nothing was happening. Nothing was happening for like 70-80% of the time, and then WHAM! Everything that could happen has happened. I went through a massive mental development at the brink of November; it's almost unbelievable. Not only that, but it was extremely painful and mentally taxing. I've had moments where I felt like my internal OS went through a major kernel upgrade while the system was forced to keep running. One particular moment from the beginning of November stands out. I was grieving a specific missed opportunity for 2 days straight. I was in a mental torment and at the brink of collapse for 48 hours straight. The emotional pain and pressure were so strong that I was under the impression I was going to die.
I didn't die, obviously. But something did. I won't go into much detail about what I was so upset about, but after the peak finally crashed, I realized something essential. The thing I was grieving wasn't the real deal. It was merely a distraction from a deeper-rooted problem within me. I orchestrated impossible expectations because if nothing could reach me, then nothing could hurt me. I threw a giant blanket over an angry bear, hoping he would just disappear like some cheap Houdini's trick.
With that out of the way, here are some of my biggest resolutions/goals for this year.
Emotional Resolutions</h2>
Drop the fear of being misunderstood.</li>
Stop trying to be responsible for other people's moods.</li>
Stop overexplaining myself.</li>
Stop worrying about taking up space.</li>
Be more kind and compassionate to myself.</li>
Be more intentional with what kind of content I consume.</li> </ul>
Practical Resolutions</h2>

Learn Rust</li>
Complete a junior Linux sysadmin certification.</li>
Start learning Russian.</li>
Journal every day.</li>
Take my vitamins/supplements.</li>
Experiment more with fashion.</li>
Be more social - find a 3rd place</a> to hang out at and surround myself with good people.</li> </ul>
Final notes</h2>
Your goals should scare you a little but shouldn't feel completely impossible.

Your goals have to be specific.

Don't say that you want to learn a new language. Say which language and the level of proficiency you'd like to achieve. Don't say you want to learn Russian; instead, set your goal to something like "Learn to read and write the Cyrillic alphabet and 200 words this year."</li> </ul> </li>
Break your goals into small, actionable chunks.

Tasks for today, for this month, for this quarter.</li> </ul> </li>
Track your progress.

If you won't track your progress, you will feel like your effort isn't paying off, and you'll eventually lose sight of your goal.</li> </ul> </li>
Celebrate your progress.

I do not care about how little progress you think you made. Set clear milestones, and when you reach them, acknowledge them!</li> </ul> </li> </ul>

Music I enjoyed recently</h3>

Я твоя не первая (Hardstyle)</a> by kvmly, t.A.T.u.</li>
E A Z Y</a> by Meekz</li>
CUTE (Slowed)</a> by dxnkwer</li>
220</a> by UncleFlexxx</li>
89 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT (SUPER SLOWED)</a> by PINKY SMASH</li>
LAST CHANCE - SLOWED</a> by SAIBOTAJE</li> </ul>
Reply via email</a> </blockquote>

Perfectionism

Quinn — Thu, 25 Dec 2025 11:58:00 +0000

I've heard many people describe themselves as perfectionists. Funnily enough, when you get to know them, you oftentimes learn that their lives aren't exactly perfect. This might lead one to think they're lying about their nature to make themselves sound more interesting, but I'm actually inclined to believe them. It might sound contradictory, but just because someone has high standards doesn't mean they're able to uphold them.
I will show you exactly what I mean with one of my recent personal experiences. About a week ago, I bought a video game called Cuphead</a>. It's one of those games with beautiful visuals, smooth controls, but absolutely brutal gameplay. Not graphic, just difficult in nature. My current and only goal is to finish the story; that's it. No perfect runs, no collecting all the coins within Run 'n Gun levels, just defeating the bosses in such a way that allows me to progress in the game. Wouldn't you know it, my brain hates that idea and wants to complete all the levels with the perfect grade (A+). It doesn't matter that I'm seeing the boss for the first time in my life. If I don't complete the level by the book, I might as well not finish it at all. Obviously, this takes all the fun out of the game, and I oftentimes quit it after, like, the 4th unsuccessful try. It doesn't matter how many times I tell my brain that we will finish all the levels "perfectly" after we are done with the story. He doesn't want to hear any of it and keeps punishing me for losing even 1 HP in the whole run. If it's not perfect, I might as well not try. It's my way or the highway.
Perfectionism looks like a positive and good trait to have on paper, but from not just my experience, I know it is more of a curse than a blessing. It is better to deliver something than to try and wait for something perfect. Mainly because by the time you have the perfect conditions, the perfect setup, and the perfect tools for the job, the competition is already over, and most won't care about your work afterward. This is not me saying you shouldn't try your best and care about whatever it is you're doing. Wanting excellence is fine. Paying for it with your sanity isn't. Good things take time, but they shouldn't take forever.
People don't care about how many times you rewrote a sentence or a piece of code because it didn't feel good enough. They care if you:

Ship the thing </li>

Solve the problem </li>

Show up on time </li>

Inspire them to do the same </li> </ul>
Lastly, perfectionism tries to rob you of experiences that are a part of making something and becoming something. It tries to rob you of the joy of failing.
Of feeling awkward. Even embarrassed. All the good stuff, honestly. You'll feel all of those even after you finish your "masterpiece". The difference? Perfectionism makes you pay for them up front. With interest. And no refund policy.
Reply via email</a> </blockquote>

Sleep

Quinn — Tue, 16 Sep 2025 12:00:00 +0000

I never thought how fixing my sleep schedule could improve my life so much. It isn't an exaggeration to say I'm a different person now. It all began sometime at the end of the last month. I was anticipating my regular check-up by my GP, which has been postponed like 4 times because either they had a vacation or fell ill. Can't blame them for that; sometimes life just happens. I wasn't particularly in a hurry to get the appointment over with. Actually, that isn't entirely true. I wanted to discuss my suspicions of ADHD with them and ask them for advice on what I should do next. I'll cover ADHD in another post; let's stay on sleep for now.
It was a Saturday night when I thought to myself. What if I tried just sleeping normally? What if I tried fixing my sleep before I bring up ADHD with my GP? Man, the first 3 nights were ROUGH. Those nights were painfully boring. I essentially spent about an hour staring into the ceiling and wishing my melatonin would start releasing already. Regardless, I pushed through (somehow), and by around the 5th night I started to feel naturally tired around 9pm. Which was a pleasant surprise instead of my usual "system crash" I had at around 11pm.
You know what's interesting? That just after a few nights of a proper 8 hours of sleep, I felt like my brain got supercharged a little. Aside from mental clarity, I noticed something peculiar during my weekend grocery shopping. I did not feel the temptation to buy a shit ton of sweets as usual. I resisted the forbidden calling of the Coke machine on the way out. It's not that I stopped liking sweets or treating myself, but I now actually had some say in the decision process. I didn't automatically buy some overpriced caffeine sugar bomb out of habit. I was actually able to pause for a second and say to myself, "Do I really crave this overpriced insulin spike that badly?" The answer was no. The answer was usually a no, but when your brain is running on fumes, the prefrontal cortex responsible for decision-making is powerless, sitting in the backseat. Aside from the small win of resisting the sweets at the mall, I did a LOT of thinking that weekend. I hadn't had such a fruitful stream of thought in a long time as these. I can't say it was all fine and dandy, but I needed to have these conversations with myself. With that clarity, my thoughts wandered somewhere I'd been avoiding: money.
I'm a little ashamed to say this, but I'm going to have to stay in my current job longer than I wanted to. Not by a ridiculous amount, but definitely a few more months than I hoped for.
Man, I did so many impulse purchases... I don't regret virtually any of them because they are things I either genuinely needed or wanted. I'm just mad at myself I couldn't wait just a little longer before I bought them. Maybe fixing my sleep won't fix my finances overnight (wink wink), but at least now I know what the root cause of the problem was, and since then I've put a few guardrails in place.
Another interesting thing I've noticed is that days are longer. Seriously, my sleep-deprived self could easily drift through the week without even noticing it was Friday again. Considering the circumstances, I'm both surprised and impressed I didn't royally fuck anything up. Not to say I have a huge responsibility at my job, but I still handle invoices and buy goods on behalf of the company. Anyway, back to time. It feels as if time itself stretched at least 3 times. As with everything, this change came with a few upsides and downsides. Major upside? Weekends are now a lot longer, and I can actually get shit done. Major downside? So are the weekdays now, but one other upside counters this pretty effectively. That being focus. I'm not gonna pretend like sleep magically fixed my ADHD symptoms, but it's easier to focus now. Not only that, but also remain focused for just a bit longer when needed. This means that I can much, much more easily get into flow mode, and the time starts sprinting away again.
Last but not least, I feel happier now and less irritable. I wouldn't say I was feeling necessarily shit before, but I just wasn't myself. I could feel happiness, but not contentment. Easy dopamine in the form of Instagram or music with a greatly high BPM to get through the day. I relied heavily on either dopamine or cortisol to do virtually anything during the day.
If there's one thing I learned, it's that sleep isn't just 'rest.' It's the foundation for everything else. Get that right, and the rest starts to fall into place.
Music I enjoyed recently</h3>

N.E.M. (GRAViiTY Remix) (feat. Las Aves)</a> by GRAViiTY </li>

Sunglasses At Night</a> by Camo & Krooked, Tiga, Zyntherius </li>

I Was Made For Lovin' You (DubDogz, Bhaskar Remix) (feat. Nile Rodgers a House Gospel Choir)</a> by Oliver Heldens, Dubdogz </li>

Trevor Daniel - Falling (Bacca Chew Remix) (Bass Boosted)</a> by Bacca Chew </li> </ul>
Reply via email</a> </blockquote>

Hunter's brain

Quinn — Fri, 01 Aug 2025 12:00:00 +0000

I've been suspecting neurodivergence in myself for some time now. My brain is very different to that of my peers or people in general I've met. It feels like running Linux in the world of macOS. Many of the core components and libraries are the same, but everything else is entirely different. The way you install packages (learn new information), the way you communicate with other devices (perceive and feel emotions). My brain doesn't just run differently, it's built differently.
It's like comparing an x86_64 to an ARM chip. We might run the same code, but under the hood the instructions, timing, and energy are all handled in their own unique ways. Sometimes you need to add compatibility layers to make things work. Other times, no matter how good the software is optimized, there's just no native support for certain features or tasks. It's an architectural mismatch, not a dysfunction.
I breathe for chaos, stay calm under pressure, but suffer in mundane routines. I'm well aware that jobs where I would thrive exist. Well, thrive is maybe not the right word since I would be swimming in adrenaline, cortisol, unhealthy amounts of dopamine and often pure dread. Jobs like being a paramedic, high-stakes professional athlete, race car driver, mercenary, or just plain ol' simple power line worker.
Most jobs just suck for people like me. I can't sit still for 8 hours and be productive the whole time. What I love about my current job is that I get to go outside and move a lot. I spend most of my time in a chair, yes, but I get to go downstairs to the lobby to pickup packages for our customers, I get to sometimes buy my manager lunch from a nearby Chinese restaurant, I often get to go out about 20-30 minutes after lunch and buy myself and my coworkers some snacks from a nearby supermarket. I really like that I can just f-off a few times a day when I'm feeling overstimulated or understimulated.
What's unfortunate is that I know this setup is painfully rare. I've been fortunate enough to find a workplace where this isn't a problem, but rather appreciated. To be brutally honest, this small, but meaningful perk and OKAY collective of people in the office makes it really difficult for me to pursue a better paying job. I essentially work for a minimum wage + a few thousand schmeckles extra. I'm not asking for much... just let me have something like a smoke break every 2 hours. Even 5-10 minutes outside on fresh air would help me reset and charge my batteries a little.
Today was a perfect example of that. I stayed the whole weekend indoors with little to no movement around the house. Afternoon came, and I genuinely started to lose my marbles. This uncanny sense of dread, anxiety and a bit of anger started to mix within me. Once again, I started to feel hopeless and all sorts of other negative emotions. This time, though, I recognized it just in time and said to myself, "fuck this, I'm grabbing a coffee". I grabbed my phone, wallet, backpack and the book Atomic Habits and went on my merry way. And good fucking decision it was. Total emotional wipe and system reboot. I was feeling like myself again, and not just because I caffeinated my feelings away. It was because I regained control over my mind and body.
A very sensible, but scary thought has been lingering in the back of my mind lately. I'm afraid becoming either an entrepreneur or a freelancer is unavoidable. That is, if I want to elevate both my financial and mental situation. My current job works, and I'm eternally grateful for having such a compatible-ish environment as my first job. Still, it isn't ideal for me. I'm not hunting, I'm gathering, and it's soul-sucking.
Don't get me wrong. Working for yourself has its own set of challenges. Especially when you don't set clear boundaries with yourself and accidentally build the perfect environment for your own dysfunction to thrive.
The world wasn't built for folks like me, so I have to blaze my own path to success.
Music I enjoyed recently.</h3>

LO0K</a> by Anor </li>

Monolithic</a> by Milord </li>

Can't Leave the Night</a> by BADBADNOTGOOD </li>

GANGSTALKING</a> by Miguel Angeles </li> </ul>
Reply via email</a> </blockquote>

You don't have to change

Quinn — Sat, 12 Jul 2025 12:00:00 +0000

I think the single scariest thing in this world, this universe, this plane of existence is the fact that you don't have to change.
Seriously, you can keep repeating the same mistakes, you can keep reliving the same lessons over and over again. That is the blessing and the curse of having a free will. You know, I have contemplated this idea longer than I probably should have. There is no true or false in this world. Some things are binary. Most aren't. Most are just shades of gray. Yet, this still implies that gray is the truth or the lie.
My point is that eventually you will grow. You will stop repeating those mistakes, you will stop being mean to others. I'm not saying it will happen in this life, but eventually, you will. That's the thing that bothered me about the idea of free will so much. The fact that you will come to the same conclusion. The fact that there is some universal truth, rule, blueprint. You have the freedom to repeat your mistakes as long as you wish, as long as you need to. Until you learn from them and stop.
But then it hit me, the final destination doesn't matter as much as the journey itself. It doesn't matter that we all reach the same conclusion, the same goal, the same place because our journey will be different and ultimately unique to ourselves. The uniform isn't something you should dread. It is something you should use to express yourself as much as you can. Try, fail, love, hate, grieve, cry, laugh as much as you can. Leave no stone unturned and explore everything this world has to offer. When you laugh, laugh like the room is filled with nitrous oxide. When you cry, cry as if your lacrimal sacs are bottomless, as if you're trying to drown your sorrow. When you're angry, let yourself rage, not to destroy, but to acknowledge and appreciate that something matters to you that deeply.
Song I listened to while writing this</h3>
I LOVE YOU SO JUMPSTYLE</a> by HUSSVRX</li> </ul>
Reply via email</a> </blockquote>

Music I enjoyed recently.</h3>

LO0K</a> by Anor</p> </li>

Monolithic</a> by Milord</p> </li>

Can't Leave the Night</a> by BADBADNOTGOOD</p> </li>

GANGSTALKING</a> by Miguel Angeles</p> </li> </ul>
Reply via email</a> </blockquote>

Song I listened to while writing this</h3>
I LOVE YOU SO JUMPSTYLE</a> by HUSSVRX</li> </ul>
Reply via email</a> </blockquote>

Merry Quinn

Spent fuel

Default superpowers

My First Psychiatric Appointment

My New Year's resolutions for 2026

Perfectionism

Sleep

Hunter's brain

You don't have to change

Merry Quinn

Spent fuel

Default superpowers

Side effects</h2> I experienced the following side effects of Atomoxetine:</p> Rapid blinking</li> Dry mouth</li> Mild nausea</li> Loss of appetite</li> Frequent urination</li> Constipation</li> Tanked libido</li> Loss of "morning wood"</li> Weak orgasms</li>

My First Psychiatric Appointment

My New Year's resolutions for 2026

Emotional Resolutions</h2> Drop the fear of being misunderstood.</li> Stop trying to be responsible for other people's moods.</li> Stop overexplaining myself.</li> Stop worrying about taking up space.</li> Be more kind and compassionate to myself.</li>

Practical Resolutions</h2> Learn Rust</li> Complete a junior Linux sysadmin certification.</li> Start learning Russian.</li> Journal every day.</li> Take my vitamins/supplements.</li> Experiment more with fashion.</li>

Final notes</h2> Your goals should scare you a little but shouldn't feel completely impossible.</p>

Perfectionism

Sleep

Hunter's brain

Music I enjoyed recently.</h3> LO0K</a> by Anor</p> </li> Monolithic</a> by Milord</p> </li> Can't Leave the Night</a> by BADBADNOTGOOD</p> </li> GANGSTALKING</a> by Miguel Angeles</p> </li> </ul> Reply via email</a> </blockquote>

You don't have to change

Song I listened to while writing this</h3> I LOVE YOU SO JUMPSTYLE</a> by HUSSVRX</li> </ul> Reply via email</a> </blockquote>

Music I enjoyed recently.</h3>

LO0K</a> by Anor</p> </li>

Monolithic</a> by Milord</p> </li>

Can't Leave the Night</a> by BADBADNOTGOOD</p> </li>

GANGSTALKING</a> by Miguel Angeles</p> </li> </ul>
Reply via email</a> </blockquote>

Song I listened to while writing this</h3>
I LOVE YOU SO JUMPSTYLE</a> by HUSSVRX</li> </ul>
Reply via email</a> </blockquote>